Grief and life after Jessica: the stormy sea

Since losing Jessica, our lives have changed forever. It feels as though we have been thrown into a boat, tossed on the waves of a stormy sea. Behind us is the island that was our happy complete family life. An island that we are forever exiled from. An island that we desperately want to return to. We have no way of getting back. This boat has oars, but we don’t know how to use them yet. We’re just frantically paddling away, doing our best to get through the storm somehow.

 

A drawing of me, hubby and Sophie in a boat tossed about on a stormy sea - "Grief and life after Jessica: the stormy sea"

 

We look back at the island – longingly, desperately. Wishing that the storm could stop, wishing that the waves would die down. We long for the safety of our island, for the life we knew there, but the waves just keep taking us further and further away while the storm rages around us. At times the storm is so strong that it seems the boat is in danger of capsizing. We cling to each other in fear, not knowing how we can go on. For a moment, the wind stops howling, the rain stops pouring and there is calm. We breathe again, all the while knowing that this is just a pause. A lull before the storm begins to rage again.

 

The love and support of those around us is like a lighthouse far away. In the midst of the storm and the raging sea, the light reminds us that we are not alone. It tries to steer us away from the rocks and back towards calmer waters.

 

Sometimes when the sea is calm, the lull of the waves drift us to sleep. We dream we are back home, back on the island again. The boat and the storm and the waves – surely we must have imagined them? But then the storm starts to rage once again and we wake with a start. We look back and see our island is far, far away. No matter how hard we try, we cannot turn our boat back. We must just navigate our way through the storm as best we can. Not knowing which way to steer or what land lies ahead.

 

At some point no doubt we will find land. A new land – strange and unfamiliar. There will be days when the storms rage around the shores of this new land. Sometimes we will find ourselves back in the boat tossed about by the waves, longing to return to the island that will always be home. Each time, the boat will bring us back to the new land. This is where we must stay. We can never leave it, no matter how much we long to return home.

 

I am sure we will find beauty in this new land. Not the beauty of the island we were forced to leave. Nothing will ever be as beautiful as that island.  We will learn to adapt, to live our lives in this new land, although we will always be exiles. The memories of life on our island will always remain. We will treasure them forever.

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12 Comments

  1. May 8, 2018 / 1:38 pm

    Hi Louise, you share your thoughts and feelings so beautifully. I hope that your new island when the storm passes is equally as beautiful but different than the one you left.

    xx

  2. Loraynne
    May 8, 2018 / 2:37 pm

    The lighthouse will always shine bright and help to guide you all through the storm. Sending you Michael and little Sophie loads of love xx❤️Xx

  3. May 8, 2018 / 3:47 pm

    Louise,

    I hope we’re all managing to add our little bit to the light from the lighthouse, and that it does guide you “back towards calmer waters” before too long.
    In a poem about a sea-voyage of a rather different type, W.H.Auden wrote:
    “…may the Ancient of Days
    Provide for all you must do
    His invisible guidance,
    Lifting up, dear, upon you
    The light of His countenance.”

  4. Caroline
    May 8, 2018 / 7:27 pm

    Beautifully put Louise and my heart goes out to you. Much love to you all xx

  5. May 8, 2018 / 8:18 pm

    Beautiful words for beautiful Jessica. You are all in my thoughts as always.
    Nat.x

  6. May 8, 2018 / 8:55 pm

    Thinking of you 🙁 we wish we could turn back the clock x change is a scary thing, I hope you find brief moments of peace from your aching heart x Your new island will bloom and Jessica will be with you in your hearts always. We wish we could take your pain away x

  7. May 8, 2018 / 8:59 pm

    Our lighthouse is still shining for you all Louise. X x x x

  8. May 9, 2018 / 6:50 am

    Beaurogilly expressed. Hope that new land discovery brings you some peace. Thinking of you all

  9. Jennifer Bruce
    May 9, 2018 / 8:36 am

    Written so beautifully, sending you love and light xxx

  10. May 9, 2018 / 2:02 pm

    My heart breaks every time I read one of your posts, yet you always write so beautifully. I know you will never forget your island, but hope the seas start to calm for you and uuu can look forward to the new land with Peanut. X

  11. Laura: Adventures with J
    May 20, 2018 / 9:58 am

    A perfect metaphor for grief. I am so sorry you have been thrown off your island. X

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