I’ve been spending a lot of time this week editing photos ready to put together a slideshow for Jessica’s funeral next week. Over the last year or so, I’ve been quite good at editing and organising photos as I took them but there was a big backlog of photos from a couple of years ago that still needed to be done. It’s been a lot of work, but they’re all done now ready to start picking my favourites.
As you can imagine, it’s brought back a lot of memories. Sometimes the memories make me smile; other times they make my heart ache unbearably. I look at my big girl in the photos, so vibrant, so full of life and I wonder how on earth can she be gone? How can it be that all I have now are photos and memories? How can it be that there will be no more photos, that there will be no new memories of Jessica, no special moments to enjoy together? And then the realisation hits me once more and my heart breaks all over again.
This week has been another hard one. Hubby has been back at work so I’ve had more time on my own. It was my birthday on Wednesday. Normally we would go out for a meal. I couldn’t face it, so we ordered a takeaway instead. We did have cake though. Jessica would have wanted us to have cake. I was thankful for the birthday bear that the girls made me last year – at least I could still hear Jessica singing Happy Birthday to me when I pressed its foot. If only I could have heard her singing it in person.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Watching Sophie have fun in the paddling pool at our friends’ house.
- Spending time with my family when visiting my twin sister at the weekend for our usual pre-birthday get-together.
- The lovely birthday cards, messages and presents I received.
- Sophie’s delight at blowing dandelion clocks.
- The picture of a teddy bear that Sophie drew at preschool with a heart and wings for Jessica.
- The lovely hamper that Sophie was sent by Jayne at Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs – thank you so much, she loved it.