I’ve been spending a lot of time this week editing photos ready to put together a slideshow for Jessica’s funeral next week. Over the last year or so, I’ve been quite good at editing and organising photos as I took them but there was a big backlog of photos from a couple of years ago that still needed to be done. It’s been a lot of work, but they’re all done now ready to start picking my favourites.
As you can imagine, it’s brought back a lot of memories. Sometimes the memories make me smile; other times they make my heart ache unbearably. I look at my big girl in the photos, so vibrant, so full of life and I wonder how on earth can she be gone? How can it be that all I have now are photos and memories? How can it be that there will be no more photos, that there will be no new memories of Jessica, no special moments to enjoy together? And then the realisation hits me once more and my heart breaks all over again.
This week has been another hard one. Hubby has been back at work so I’ve had more time on my own. It was my birthday on Wednesday. Normally we would go out for a meal. I couldn’t face it, so we ordered a takeaway instead. We did have cake though. Jessica would have wanted us to have cake. I was thankful for the birthday bear that the girls made me last year – at least I could still hear Jessica singing Happy Birthday to me when I pressed its foot. If only I could have heard her singing it in person.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Watching Sophie have fun in the paddling pool at our friends’ house.
- Spending time with my family when visiting my twin sister at the weekend for our usual pre-birthday get-together.
- The lovely birthday cards, messages and presents I received.
- Sophie’s delight at blowing dandelion clocks.
- The picture of a teddy bear that Sophie drew at preschool with a heart and wings for Jessica.
- The lovely hamper that Sophie was sent by Jayne at Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs – thank you so much, she loved it.
I can only imagine what an emotional roller-coaster looking though all your photo’s and memories of Jessica was. You have so many precious memories captured of your lovely, happy smiling girl and I hope that they eventually bring you only comfort. Gorgeous photo’s of Sophie, it looks like she’s having lots of fun in the paddling pool x
Given that I can emotional looking back over photos of my kids seeing them growing up, I can only imagine how hard and emotional it must have been for you looking back on Jessica’s. Happy memories can still be unbearably painful, and a birthday without Jessica must have been incredibly difficult. She would absolutely have wanted you to have cake! Beautiful photos of Sophie, my kids always like finding dandelion clocks, too x #WotW
I really can’t imagine what you are going through but I am glad you are finding happy moments in the sadness you must be feeling….
Happy belated birthday to you. Beautiful photos.
Aww! Jayne is such a sweetheart. Always so thoughtful. x
What a tough and emotional time. It’s wonderful that you’ve got so many gorgeous photos of beautiful Jessica and you can hear her voice singing you happy birthday but I can imagine it must be heartbreaking all at the same time. Thinking of you all.
Nat.x
It’s wonderful that you have all those little things like photos and the bear that remind you of Jessica. It may hurt at the moment but one day they will bring you comfort in knowing how much love you all shared. Belated birthday wishes xxx
Looking through photos is always an emotional experience, but I can’t even imagine how hard of an experience that was for you. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, your strength is astounding and I think finding the happy moments in amongst this is one of the best things to be doing. Also, happy belated birthday; I’m sure the teddy bear is precious. #WotW
Louise I cant imagine what you are all going though but I can feel your pain in your words. You are being so brave, fighting through this the only way you know how. Keep going beautiful lady you are doing great x