Some days you feel so far away. I look for signs that you are still here with me somehow and there are none. Just emptiness.
I long for you to visit me in my dreams but night after night goes by and I do not see you there.
I search for you all the time. In the clouds, in the whisper of the breeze, in the little everyday moments. Trying to find signs that you are still here somehow. I trace the imprint of your fingers on a clay pot you made, touch your face in a photo, longing to feel your presence somehow.
You are not here. There are no signs. I cannot find you in this emptiness.
Where are you, Jessica?
Why are you not here?
Why did you have to leave us?
How can it be that you are gone?
Today is another day where you are missing from my life. Another day to be lived on the other side of life with you. Time is taking me further and further away from you. I miss you so much.
This emptiness feels unbearable.
Today I find myself shouting at God:
Why did you have to take her?
Why did you give us hope only to take it away?
If you had to take her, why couldn’t you have waited a little longer?
Why couldn’t you have at least let me have a time of being a complete family?
Are you even listening to me?
Are you even there at all?
Today my faith is rocky. I am angry, I am devastated. Today my pain is all-consuming.
We still don’t really know what caused your death. We know what contributed to it, but not what actually happened in those last moments that made you go. We can guess what might have happened but we will never know for sure. I tell myself that there was nothing I could have done differently, that I did all I could to save you, but in the dark moments I still question whether I could have done more.
Would you still be here if we’d taken a different path in those last days, in those last hours?
None of this anger, none of these questions will bring you back. Today is another day where I have to live without you. Once again, I have to take that deep breath and put one foot in front of the other and just keeping moving forward. To try to accept what my heart is rebelling do strongly against. That you are gone, that you can never come back. That all we have are memories.
Memories are never enough though. They are no substitute for you. Sometimes I look at photos and wish I could pull you from them and into my arms once more. Other times I wish I could jump into the photo and have that moment again. Sometimes the memories bring you close and bring me comfort. Other times they bring pain. There are times when I seek photos and videos so I can see and hear you again and times when I can’t bear to look at them because I just miss you too much.
People tell me “she hasn’t really left you”, “she’ll always be there in your heart” or “she’ll always be part of your family” and there are times when this feels true. Sometimes though these words are nothing more than empty platitudes. You have left me, and try as I might to feel some sense of your presence that lingers still, there is nothing but emptiness. You are so very far away my darling and I can’t reach you.
Today the storm of grief is crashing over me. I know the storm will calm again and what feels utterly unbearable now will become bearable once more. Somewhere I will find the strength to keep moving forward. You still won’t be here, but maybe you won’t feel quite so far away as you do today.