Some days you feel so far away. I look for signs that you are still here with me somehow and there are none. Just emptiness.
I long for you to visit me in my dreams but night after night goes by and I do not see you there.
I search for you all the time. In the clouds, in the whisper of the breeze, in the little everyday moments. Trying to find signs that you are still here somehow. I trace the imprint of your fingers on a clay pot you made, touch your face in a photo, longing to feel your presence somehow.
You are not here. There are no signs. I cannot find you in this emptiness.
Where are you, Jessica?
Why are you not here?
Why did you have to leave us?
How can it be that you are gone?
Today is another day where you are missing from my life. Another day to be lived on the other side of life with you. Time is taking me further and further away from you. I miss you so much.
This emptiness feels unbearable.
Today I find myself shouting at God:
Why did you have to take her?
Why did you give us hope only to take it away?
If you had to take her, why couldn’t you have waited a little longer?
Why couldn’t you have at least let me have a time of being a complete family?
Are you even listening to me?
Are you even there at all?
Today my faith is rocky. I am angry, I am devastated. Today my pain is all-consuming.
We still don’t really know what caused your death. We know what contributed to it, but not what actually happened in those last moments that made you go. We can guess what might have happened but we will never know for sure. I tell myself that there was nothing I could have done differently, that I did all I could to save you, but in the dark moments I still question whether I could have done more.
Would you still be here if we’d taken a different path in those last days, in those last hours?
None of this anger, none of these questions will bring you back. Today is another day where I have to live without you. Once again, I have to take that deep breath and put one foot in front of the other and just keeping moving forward. To try to accept what my heart is rebelling do strongly against. That you are gone, that you can never come back. That all we have are memories.
Memories are never enough though. They are no substitute for you. Sometimes I look at photos and wish I could pull you from them and into my arms once more. Other times I wish I could jump into the photo and have that moment again. Sometimes the memories bring you close and bring me comfort. Other times they bring pain. There are times when I seek photos and videos so I can see and hear you again and times when I can’t bear to look at them because I just miss you too much.
People tell me “she hasn’t really left you”, “she’ll always be there in your heart” or “she’ll always be part of your family” and there are times when this feels true. Sometimes though these words are nothing more than empty platitudes. You have left me, and try as I might to feel some sense of your presence that lingers still, there is nothing but emptiness. You are so very far away my darling and I can’t reach you.
Today the storm of grief is crashing over me. I know the storm will calm again and what feels utterly unbearable now will become bearable once more. Somewhere I will find the strength to keep moving forward. You still won’t be here, but maybe you won’t feel quite so far away as you do today.
It all sounds completely unbearable. But I love the way you write with such honesty, so we can feel just a little bit of the emotion you are feeling. I hope you can stop those precious memories from slipping and that the storm calms again for you soon, even though you know it will be back again. x
Thank you Sarah. Some moments do feel unbearable but yes then the storm does calm again. I find it so helpful sometimes to write it all out – sometimes it helps that storm pass by a little more quickly x
Sending you the biggest of hugs xxx
Thank you Kim x
Louise,
I’m joining Kim in sending you a special virtual hug. My eyes were watering, again, as I read this blogpost. After four months, I’m still struggling to take it on board that Jessica is no longer here.
The following passage came to mind, and when I looked for it, I found there was a bookmark already inserted at that page:
“…as for the resurrection of the dead, have you not read what was said to you by God, ‘I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? He is not God of the dead, but of the living.”
There are many mysteries, and I don’t have any explanations, but I’m sure He is the God of Jessica.
Thank you. I have many moments of finding it hard to believe that Jessica has gone. I have moments when I have faith that God is there and listening and others when everything seems very far away and it feels like I am screaming into an abyss.
I have just found your blog whilst having a trawl through twitter and couldn’t just walk by without leaving a comment. I am truly sorry for your loss, Jessica sounded like a wonderful young girl with not only a special heart but a big heart filled with love. My thoughts are with you all x
Thank you Rebecca. She was such a sweetheart and had so much love to give. We miss her so very much x
Your honesty is lovely, your pain and suffering is horrible for you all.
Platitudes are well meant but dont stop the pain the grief or the loss.
Life is cruel and unkind not to mention very very unfair. Bravery and a smile painted on the face might fool the world but you cant fool yourself.
My heart bleeds for you and I am sending hugs,
Thank you Elaine, hugs are always appreciated x