Grief and life after Jessica: Time

They say that time heals.

Time doesn’t heal; it hurts.

Time is a relentless tide.

It takes me further away from life with Jessica.

The turn of the calendar brings me pain.

A new month is a month without her.

A month with no memories to be made.

 

 

As Friday moves into Saturday, that last day and night always comes back.

I can’t help but think “this time X weeks ago…”

It is just that the number grows each week.

I am acutely aware of the time and what I was doing at that point on that last day.

What time she woke me up and came into our bed for a snuggle.

What time she stopped breathing.

The exact moment that resuscitation was stopped.

Those times are etched into my mind.

 

 

I look back and question my actions that day.

Could I have done more?

Could we have prevented her death?

I know that we did what we thought was right at the time.

No amount of tormenting myself with questions will bring her back.

Life is not like a computer game.

We can’t go back and try again to see if we get a different outcome.

But I often wish I could go back and find out.

Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference.

But even if I could just have that last day again, it would be worth the pain.

 

 

Time marches on relentlessly.

Another day, another week, another month without Jessica.

Sometimes I feel I cannot bear to keep moving forward.

I have no choice.

And my heart breaks all over again.

 

 

Time drags and yet moves on too fast.

I miss her every minute of every day.

I would give anything for one more moment.

For just a little more time.