They say that time heals.
Time doesn’t heal; it hurts.
Time is a relentless tide.
It takes me further away from life with Jessica.
The turn of the calendar brings me pain.
A new month is a month without her.
A month with no memories to be made.
As Friday moves into Saturday, that last day and night always comes back.
I can’t help but think “this time X weeks ago…”
It is just that the number grows each week.
I am acutely aware of the time and what I was doing at that point on that last day.
What time she woke me up and came into our bed for a snuggle.
What time she stopped breathing.
The exact moment that resuscitation was stopped.
Those times are etched into my mind.
I look back and question my actions that day.
Could I have done more?
Could we have prevented her death?
I know that we did what we thought was right at the time.
No amount of tormenting myself with questions will bring her back.
Life is not like a computer game.
We can’t go back and try again to see if we get a different outcome.
But I often wish I could go back and find out.
Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference.
But even if I could just have that last day again, it would be worth the pain.
Time marches on relentlessly.
Another day, another week, another month without Jessica.
Sometimes I feel I cannot bear to keep moving forward.
I have no choice.
And my heart breaks all over again.
Time drags and yet moves on too fast.
I miss her every minute of every day.
I would give anything for one more moment.
For just a little more time.
My heart breaks for you Louise. I think it is such a natural thing to wonder if you could have done more, but I’m sure that you did everything you could.
I know people say time is a great healer but I think that it’s not that you heal, it’s that you move to acceptance.
Sending you much love and thinking of beautiful Jessica xx
Just sending prayers. And love. Take little steps.
Oh Louise, this is so heartbreaking. I don’t think loss of your darling Jessica is something that you can’t ever properly heal from, but maybe something which you slowly cope with – but never forgotten. Days when you are strong, and others when you need someone to lean on – both are more than ok. Sending our love
Tracey @ Mummyshire
my heart broke for you when I heard this news last month Louise. I really have no words except to say that I was thinking about you and the incredible gift that you were blessed with for that time with her