They say that time heals.
Time doesn’t heal; it hurts.
Time is a relentless tide.
It takes me further away from life with Jessica.
The turn of the calendar brings me pain.
A new month is a month without her.
A month with no memories to be made.
As Friday moves into Saturday, that last day and night always comes back.
I can’t help but think “this time X weeks ago…”
It is just that the number grows each week.
I am acutely aware of the time and what I was doing at that point on that last day.
What time she woke me up and came into our bed for a snuggle.
What time she stopped breathing.
The exact moment that resuscitation was stopped.
Those times are etched into my mind.
I look back and question my actions that day.
Could I have done more?
Could we have prevented her death?
I know that we did what we thought was right at the time.
No amount of tormenting myself with questions will bring her back.
Life is not like a computer game.
We can’t go back and try again to see if we get a different outcome.
But I often wish I could go back and find out.
Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference.
But even if I could just have that last day again, it would be worth the pain.
Time marches on relentlessly.
Another day, another week, another month without Jessica.
Sometimes I feel I cannot bear to keep moving forward.
I have no choice.
And my heart breaks all over again.
Time drags and yet moves on too fast.
I miss her every minute of every day.
I would give anything for one more moment.
For just a little more time.