Grief and life after Jessica: Time

They say that time heals.

Time doesn’t heal; it hurts.

Time is a relentless tide.

It takes me further away from life with Jessica.

The turn of the calendar brings me pain.

A new month is a month without her.

A month with no memories to be made.

 

A clock and a calendar - "Grief and life after Jessica: Time"

 

As Friday moves into Saturday, that last day and night always comes back.

I can’t help but think “this time X weeks ago…”

It is just that the number grows each week.

I am acutely aware of the time and what I was doing at that point on that last day.

What time she woke me up and came into our bed for a snuggle.

What time she stopped breathing.

The exact moment that resuscitation was stopped.

Those times are etched into my mind.

 

 

I look back and question my actions that day.

Could I have done more?

Could we have prevented her death?

I know that we did what we thought was right at the time.

No amount of tormenting myself with questions will bring her back.

Life is not like a computer game.

We can’t go back and try again to see if we get a different outcome.

But I often wish I could go back and find out.

Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference.

But even if I could just have that last day again, it would be worth the pain.

 

 

Time marches on relentlessly.

Another day, another week, another month without Jessica.

Sometimes I feel I cannot bear to keep moving forward.

I have no choice.

And my heart breaks all over again.

 

 

Time drags and yet moves on too fast.

I miss her every minute of every day.

I would give anything for one more moment.

For just a little more time.

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4 Comments

  1. June 2, 2018 / 7:22 am

    My heart breaks for you Louise. I think it is such a natural thing to wonder if you could have done more, but I’m sure that you did everything you could.
    I know people say time is a great healer but I think that it’s not that you heal, it’s that you move to acceptance.
    Sending you much love and thinking of beautiful Jessica xx

  2. Trace @ Mummyshire
    June 2, 2018 / 11:58 pm

    Oh Louise, this is so heartbreaking. I don’t think loss of your darling Jessica is something that you can’t ever properly heal from, but maybe something which you slowly cope with – but never forgotten. Days when you are strong, and others when you need someone to lean on – both are more than ok. Sending our love
    Tracey @ Mummyshire

  3. June 12, 2018 / 1:57 pm

    my heart broke for you when I heard this news last month Louise. I really have no words except to say that I was thinking about you and the incredible gift that you were blessed with for that time with her

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