It feels like we are in a strange kind of limbo at the moment. A time between two different family lives. Having to prepare for the arrival of a new child whilst desperately longing for and missing the little girl we’ve lost.
Family life for us has changed forever and in a few weeks’ time will change once more. Losing Jessica midway through my pregnancy with Peanut has created this huge divide between our old family life, and the family life yet to come. It feels like a big split between two different family units, each with two children. Our past family life with Jessica and Sophie, and our future family life with Sophie and Peanut.
I know that Jessica will always be part of our family life but it does feel very much at the moment that we are crossing a huge chasm between our life with her and the new life to come with Peanut. As we cross the chasm, the bridge we stand on is breaking behind us. There is no way back. We can only go forward, no matter how desperately we wish to turn back again.
When I posted my first Me and Mine photo this year, we were so excited to be able to announce that we were expecting another baby. Jessica’s surgery was behind us; she was recovering well and the future looked bright. I look at Jessica’s little face in those photos, her excitement at the prospect of another sibling and my heart breaks once more. Where we are now is so very far away from where I thought we would be when I took those photos.
Over the last few days, the realisation that August is getting ever closer has hit me. In some ways, we’ve been in denial when it comes to Peanut’s imminent appearance. We haven’t even started to prepare for it. Thankfully we still have all the girls’ baby things in the loft. There is very little we need to buy. We do need to have a big sort out of our spare room though, ready to make space for this little one’s arrival.
Having to make space means making changes. Changes that I find myself resisting. I want so much for life to be as it was before; to try and keep things as they were. Making changes is a reminder that we have no choice but to keep moving forward. One small step at a time.