It feels like we are in a strange kind of limbo at the moment. A time between two different family lives. Having to prepare for the arrival of a new child whilst desperately longing for and missing the little girl we’ve lost.
Family life for us has changed forever and in a few weeks’ time will change once more. Losing Jessica midway through my pregnancy with Peanut has created this huge divide between our old family life, and the family life yet to come. It feels like a big split between two different family units, each with two children. Our past family life with Jessica and Sophie, and our future family life with Sophie and Peanut.
I know that Jessica will always be part of our family life but it does feel very much at the moment that we are crossing a huge chasm between our life with her and the new life to come with Peanut. As we cross the chasm, the bridge we stand on is breaking behind us. There is no way back. We can only go forward, no matter how desperately we wish to turn back again.
When I posted my first Me and Mine photo this year, we were so excited to be able to announce that we were expecting another baby. Jessica’s surgery was behind us; she was recovering well and the future looked bright. I look at Jessica’s little face in those photos, her excitement at the prospect of another sibling and my heart breaks once more. Where we are now is so very far away from where I thought we would be when I took those photos.
Over the last few days, the realisation that August is getting ever closer has hit me. In some ways, we’ve been in denial when it comes to Peanut’s imminent appearance. We haven’t even started to prepare for it. Thankfully we still have all the girls’ baby things in the loft. There is very little we need to buy. We do need to have a big sort out of our spare room though, ready to make space for this little one’s arrival.
Having to make space means making changes. Changes that I find myself resisting. I want so much for life to be as it was before; to try and keep things as they were. Making changes is a reminder that we have no choice but to keep moving forward. One small step at a time.
One step at a time Louise, one step at a time. It must be so hard though, and painful. I am glad you are still sharing these family portraits of yours, and it is lovely you have that pillow with Jessica’s photograph. I can’t wait to see when Peanut arrives, and it is not much longer anymore. He or she will bring so much joy. #meandmine
I can’t even start to imagine how hard it must be to move forward Louise, knowing how much you would give anything to go back and and freeze things as they were. Life just seems so cruel sometimes. But I have no doubt that August and Peanut’s arrival will bring you all so much joy. I love that last photo of you all, it’s gorgeous xx
One day and one step at a time hunny. You are so strong and so amazing. Your family is beautiful and this baby will be a blessing to fill your heart with love and Jessica watching as an angel is always with you wherever you are. Can’t wait to follow baby spam newborn bubble is blissful. I am still stuck in it. #meandmineproject
Take it slow, allow yourselves time to grieve, but also time to adjust and change. Jessica will always be with you, in your hearts and in peanut too x
Oh Louise, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to be pregnant whilst loosing Jessica. Desperately longing for Jessica be here, yet also wanting to meet your new bundle. I adore that last photo, just gorgeous x
It must just be the hardest to have all of this going on at the same time and you are doing the best you can one day at a time. Jessica will always be there as you and little peanut will know that too x