“How do I survive this?!” It’s a question I’ve screamed out many times over the past year. In those moments when I am blinded by tears, overwhelmed and broken by the pain of life without Jessica, I wonder how on earth I can possibly keep going on. And yet I do. Here I am, almost one year on. Somehow managing to survive life without Jessica.
There are days when it seems I can barely survive. When grief feels like a physical weight on my chest and doing the simplest tasks is like wading through treacle. Days when I want to curl up in a ball, and for the world to just stop turning. Days when I desperately wish to turn the clock back and be there again – there in those days when Jessica brightened up our world with her presence and our family felt complete. Days when I feel like I cannot endure the agony of life without Jessica.
But I have Sophie and Thomas. They need me. Hubby too. I have to keep going, to find the strength to take just one more step. To be there for them. They are my reason to carry on.
Some days are easier than others. There are days when life feels almost normal again. Days when we go out; when the sun shines; when we laugh and smile and enjoy family life. These are nearly always followed by guilt. How can life go on without Jessica? How can we possibly be happy and laugh when she is not here? But it does, and we do. We never stop missing her though. Being able to enjoy life and have those happy family moments does not mean we forget her. It doesn’t mean that we stop wishing she was still here too. It’s okay to smile and to laugh and to feel happiness. Even though it often feels so very wrong that we can do so. These are the days when I realise that I can survive this; that I am surviving this.
Living life without Jessica is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are days when the ache for one more moment with her is overwhelming; when I shout and scream and rage and cry and the pain of loss is all-consuming. But somehow I endure them.
How do you survive this? By taking it day by day, moment by moment and even second by second if necessary. Holding on to the happy memories and the knowledge that Jessica was, and is, so very loved. Allowing the storms of grief to come and trying not to fight the waves when they do. Trying to live my life in a way that honours Jessica and her beautiful, joyous, kind and caring spirit. Forever proud to be her mummy. Doing my best to keep going, carrying her within my heart each and every day.