When we started the summer holidays, we didn’t know if we would get to the end without Jessica having her next heart surgery. In many ways we have been in limbo throughout the summer – not being able to look too far ahead; waiting for the phone call to give us the date for Jessica’s surgery to take place. Focusing on making memories together, on enjoying the moment. Here we are at the end of the summer, feeling thankful to have been able to have the whole of it together and enjoy it.
Heart surgery is still very much on the cards. We’ve had a call from the hospital but the date they have given us coincides with the start of one of hubby’s busiest periods at work. We knew that if the surgery didn’t happen in the summer that this could be the case. I need to have hubby by my side when it happens – it isn’t something I want to have to face alone. This means that Jessica’s surgery will need to be put off for a few more weeks. Thankfully, although the surgery is necessary, it isn’t urgent. It does mean, however, that we will be in limbo for a while longer while we wait for a new date.
In many ways our summer together has been a wonderful one. We have enjoyed lots of family time together; gone out on adventures and had a lot of fun. We have certainly made the most of it. There have been so many happy moments, a lot of laughter and a lot of joy.
Under the surface though, lurks that ever-present fear of the road ahead. It is a fear that I have done my utmost to keep from showing in front of my girls. It comes out in other ways though. There have been times that it feels like I’m on a rollercoaster when it comes to my emotions – all of which seem heightened at the moment. My patience has run thin too easily at times and small challenges have felt like huge obstacles. There are days when I feel like I am wading through treacle, trying to keep a smile on my face throughout, trying to make the summer a magical one as far as my girls are concerned.
I find myself trying to bottle the moments, trying to lock every single precious second of them in my mind. Wanting to hold on to them forever; hold on to this summer as tightly as I can. Constantly aware of how quickly those moments slip through my fingers, how quickly the time passes.
The next step has to be faced. We cannot do anything to change that. All we can do is to try and enjoy the now, enjoy those moments together as a family. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I just wish that I could freeze them for a little longer.