Grief and life after Jessica: Stillness in the storm

I sit on the sofa with a sleeping baby in my arms and a cup of tea next to me. For a moment, I think I should put him down. My to-do list is a long one at this time of year. I think of the jobs I should be getting on with but then I push them aside.

 

This time I am going to stop and enjoy the moment.

 

This is a moment to rest. A moment of calm in the chaos of Christmas. A moment to pause, to regroup, to recharge.

 

 

In a week where the storm of grief has been overwhelming, I need this moment of calm.

 

I need to just breathe, to still the clamour of the endless to-do’s and busyness and to find myself again.

 

Allowing myself to rest and recover a little from the weariness of grief. A moment to build up some reserves for when the storm starts up again as I know it will.

 

Christmas is about love and peace. In this moment I will embrace both.

 

It’s okay to stop, to take time out. No, not just okay – it is essential. This is the most important thing on my to-do list today.

 

I cannot pour from an empty cup.

 

I need to rest and regain some strength for the storms.

 

A sleeping baby in my arms. Warm, soft, snuggly. A little girl at school; another just in my heart and mind. My beautiful children. I am thankful for them all.

 

My heart may be bruised, battered and broken but it is still filled with love.

 

Jessica is still with me. In the stillness of this moment, she draws a little closer. I remember the words she said in one of my dreams of her: “But Mummy, I am here.”

 

And right now, she is. Even though I cannot see her, I know she is here. Her love still surrounds me every day even though she may sometimes feel very far away.

 

In the stillness, I search and find her once more.

 

My precious girl, I love you so very much. You are the brightest star in my sky; the most beautiful angel on my Christmas tree.

 

For a moment, the storm has stopped raging. I am still bobbing along on the sea of grief but right now the waves are simply carrying me.

 

A moment of calm in the chaos.

 

A moment to regroup and recharge.

 

Ready for when the storm begins once more.