In those first awful moments after Jessica died, I remember sitting with her, stroking her hair and asking her to send me little signs to let me know that she was still with me in some way. It may be just wishful thinking on my part, but I am sure that I see robins, white feathers and dragonflies much more now than I did before. The dragonfly that settled for a moment on Sophie’s hat at the Little Hearts Matter memorial service; the robin that perched on hubby’s knee at the Eden Project. I like to think that they are little signs reminding us that Jessica hasn’t really left us even though she is no longer physically here.
Last Saturday, I managed to find time to weed my rose garden for the first time this year. As I cleared the weeds around the Pretty Jessica roses and the Sophy’s Rose, I spotted a little patch of forget-me-nots. I don’t think I’ve seen forget-me-nots in the garden before. It felt like a little Mother’s Day gift from Jessica.
Seeing white feathers nestled in amongst the blossom in Grandma’s garden also made me smile. Jessica always loved Grandma’s garden, especially when the trees were covered with blossom.
It’s been another tough week. My first Mother’s Day without Jessica was a very emotional one. We went to visit Jessica’s forever bed and took some of the daffodils that had been handed out at church that morning. The memories of this time last year are very bittersweet ones. These moments are the ones that I anticipated would be difficult though.
Sometimes though, grief comes up and hits you in the face without any warning. I had a moment on the school run this week when I heard a child crying. It sounded so much like Jessica. As hard as it was though, it was also nice to be able to remember once more what Jessica sounded like when she cried. It’s a sound that I struggle to remember and not being able to remember things that were unique to Jessica hurts.
We’re now just over a week away from the first anniversary of Jessica’s death. We’re planning on marking the day by encouraging people to #givejoyforjessica. Jessica was such a little joy carrier. It seems appropriate to try and share some smiles in her honour.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Thomas receiving a certificate at Tiny Talk for being able to do three signs.
- Going out for afternoon tea with Grandma.
- Buying sun hats and sunglasses for Thomas.
- Sophie being fascinated by the cheeky little mouse that was enjoying Grandma’s supply of bird food.
- Visiting the new community library.
- Helping Sophie to decorate her Easter bonnet.
- Sleepy snuggles with Thomas.