Reality has hit us hard this week. There have been so many moments over the last couple of weeks where losing Jessica hasn’t quite seemed real. This week the realisation that there will be no new memories to make with her, no more moments to enjoy together has hit hard. Making the practical arrangements for her burial and funeral brings it all home to us. This week we have chosen her casket, picked the last set of clothes for her to wear and planned the details of the service to celebrate her life. They have been so hard to do but we want to do them too – these are the last things we can do for Jessica before we have to say our final goodbyes to her.
Yesterday was the hardest day so far. It was the seventh anniversary of the day we became heart parents. We are so thankful for the time we had with Jessica. It was more than we could have hoped for at the start but we will always wish we could have had longer. To look back at the start of our heart family journey now that we have come to the end was so hard. Everything we did yesterday seemed to bring the pain of losing her back up to the surface again. We miss her so very much and the longing for just one more cuddle, just one more moment with her is so intense at times that it feels utterly unbearable to know that we can never have those moments again.
Trying to support Sophie in her own way of grieving has been hard. She has been pushing the boundaries a lot this week. I know this is normal but it is hard to cope with at times, especially when our own emotions are so very raw. She doesn’t talk much about Jessica at the moment, and part of me wishes she would. I miss seeing that sibling bond they shared. I miss seeing two little girls at the table together, having two little hands to hold when out and about, tucking two little girls into bed each night.
Some moments are much easier to bear than others. Trying to maintain some degree of normality as far as Sophie is concerned does help at times. We are very much taking each moment as it comes, trying to get through each day as best we can.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Seeing my little tiger enjoying a stay at Chessington World of Adventures and getting to visit Land of the Tiger before it opens to the public this weekend.
- Watching Sophie having fun and enjoying her first experience of ten-pin bowling.
- Seeing Sophie engrossed in playing with toys again. She’s hardly touched them over the last couple of weeks, preferring to play games with us or play with the iPad instead.
- Catching up with one of my lovely midwife friends.
- The lovely photo blanket we received from blogging friends.
- Seeing how much Sophie enjoyed having a playdate with Jessica’s best friends H and E.
- Sophie having fun with the bubble machine at Tiny Talk.