Reality has hit us hard this week. There have been so many moments over the last couple of weeks where losing Jessica hasn’t quite seemed real. This week the realisation that there will be no new memories to make with her, no more moments to enjoy together has hit hard. Making the practical arrangements for her burial and funeral brings it all home to us. This week we have chosen her casket, picked the last set of clothes for her to wear and planned the details of the service to celebrate her life. They have been so hard to do but we want to do them too – these are the last things we can do for Jessica before we have to say our final goodbyes to her.
Yesterday was the hardest day so far. It was the seventh anniversary of the day we became heart parents. We are so thankful for the time we had with Jessica. It was more than we could have hoped for at the start but we will always wish we could have had longer. To look back at the start of our heart family journey now that we have come to the end was so hard. Everything we did yesterday seemed to bring the pain of losing her back up to the surface again. We miss her so very much and the longing for just one more cuddle, just one more moment with her is so intense at times that it feels utterly unbearable to know that we can never have those moments again.
Trying to support Sophie in her own way of grieving has been hard. She has been pushing the boundaries a lot this week. I know this is normal but it is hard to cope with at times, especially when our own emotions are so very raw. She doesn’t talk much about Jessica at the moment, and part of me wishes she would. I miss seeing that sibling bond they shared. I miss seeing two little girls at the table together, having two little hands to hold when out and about, tucking two little girls into bed each night.
Some moments are much easier to bear than others. Trying to maintain some degree of normality as far as Sophie is concerned does help at times. We are very much taking each moment as it comes, trying to get through each day as best we can.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Seeing my little tiger enjoying a stay at Chessington World of Adventures and getting to visit Land of the Tiger before it opens to the public this weekend.
- Watching Sophie having fun and enjoying her first experience of ten-pin bowling.
- Seeing Sophie engrossed in playing with toys again. She’s hardly touched them over the last couple of weeks, preferring to play games with us or play with the iPad instead.
- Catching up with one of my lovely midwife friends.
- The lovely photo blanket we received from blogging friends.
- Seeing how much Sophie enjoyed having a playdate with Jessica’s best friends H and E.
- Sophie having fun with the bubble machine at Tiny Talk.
Ah I cant imagine how tough it is for you all, keep staying strong Louise but be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve too, sending love xx
Thank you Sarah x
Oh Louise, i just want to hug you. I don’t have words. Just know that you are all in my thoughts. Xxx
Thank you Claire x
I can’t imagine what you are all going through and my heart breaks for you all reading this. What a rollercoaster of a seven years you’ve had. It’s lovely to read that Sophie has had fun with Jessica’s friends. I hope you can all keep those precious bonds for the future. X
Thank you Sarah. It was lovely to watch Sophie having fun and hopefully we can keep that friendship going x
I think of you every day and reading your beautiful words always brings a lump to my throat and a tear. You are such an inspiration, how you manage to look at the positives and continue to do everything you can to help Sophie have happy and fun times. Anniversaries are always hard. Thinking of you all. Sally x
Thank you Sally x
Oh gosh I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through, it must be so awful when it starts to sink in. You’re amazing to still be able to find the little things in life that make you smile, Jessica would be so proud of you all. I love the photo of Sophie bowling, she looks so much like Jessica in that one. It’s lovely that she has been playing with Jessica’s friends too, what a great idea. I’m still thinking of you all.
Nat.x
Well I’m in bits. Just want to send you some hugs. Can’t imagine what you’re going through. Sending love xxx
I can’t imagine how hard each day is for you all. It sounds like Sophie is coping with it in her own little way with the boundary pushing, it’s lovely to see her smiling and having fun. Thinking of you as always x
I Love the blanket, now you can be wrapped in love from both Jessica and the friends that had it made for you, how thoughtful. I love how you keep thinking of the weekly positives, these are the things that will help you get through all of this. The pain and grief is there to remind you of your precious little girl, it hurts because it’s meant to. It all takes time and you are doing just fine. My thoughts and prayers are with you always xxx
That photo blanket is so beautiful, such a lovely idea. I cannot begin to imagine what you’re all going through, emotions so raw and in turmoil every day. I am thinking of you all x #WotW
Oh Louise. I think about you and your family every day. I can’t imagine what you are going through.
The photo blanket is just lovely….Such a thoughtful idea. Sending love and hugs x
So hard. I can’t imagine how it must really feel. Sending you hugs. #wotw
I can’t even imagine what you & your loved ones are going through, but throughout this your strength is inspiring Louise #WotW