Life has felt like an uphill struggle lately. I’m tired and run-down having spent most of half-term suffering from flu and this week getting over it. Grief has been hitting very hard lately as we get closer and closer to the first anniversary of Jessica’s death. Memories of this time last year are now becoming a series of “last times” and some of the more traumatic memories of those last days are starting to resurface. There are moments when life without Jessica feels utterly intolerable; moments when I feel like I am no longer living my life, I am just merely existing. I know that the next few weeks are going to be tough ones and right now, I’m just trying to get through each day as best I can.
Hubby has been working long hours again and has had periods of being away which is also making things hard. I’ve found being at home with Thomas incredibly lonely at times, especially as he is going through a very clingy phase right now. Getting out to baby groups doesn’t always help with the loneliness either. I either feel quite disconnected from other mums, or find the effort of putting on a brave face and trying to be sociable too much. No company is preferable to unhelpful company at the moment, but I have been trying to get out and spend time with friends who are good at helping those clouds lift, even if just for a short time.
Sophie had a one to one bereavement support session this week and made some paper dolls representing the five of us. She talked a little about her memories of Jessica while making them. She doesn’t talk very much about Jessica, although she never fails to include her when listing the members of our family. It was nice to hear her open up a little. We’re hoping to have a couple more sessions to try and give us some more tools to help support Sophie.
I’m still trying to look for the little things to be thankful for each day and I think it does help – even if some days it really does feel like they’re tiny pinpricks of light in amongst the darkness. The sadness might feel overwhelming much of the time, but there are still happy moments and there will be happy moments to come. We will get there. Right now, it’s all about being gentle to ourselves, taking each moment as it comes, letting those emotions out as needed and taking everything one tiny step at a time.
Things that have made me smile over the last couple of weeks
- Sophie getting to hold a variety of different animals at a friend’s birthday party. She was quite fearless about it. It reminded me so much of Jessica’s fascination with some of the creatures at the ‘Zookeeper Zoe’ event we went to three years ago.
- Catching up with cousins on both sides of the family.
- Watching Sophie having fun river dipping at Denham Country Park.
- Spending time with friends on a day out at Cliveden.
- Seeing how much Sophie enjoyed going swimming for the first time since Jessica died. I did have a little cry though when I went to pack the swimming bag and found Jessica’s socks in the bottom from the last time.
- Smiles and chuckles from Thomas.
- Putting Thomas in the baby swing in the garden.
- Trips to the park after school.
- Seeing a deer while visiting Jessica’s forever bed. I wonder if it’s the one that likes to eat her flowers?
- Sophie moving up another reading level at school.
You are doing really well Louise, anniversaries are always difficult and it’s bound to be a struggle. You know what you have to do and you do it, the tears and heartbreak are all part of the healing. When you mention Jessica my heart breaks for you but I also smile when I remember your beautiful little girl. I think of all the pretty dresses she would wear along with Sophie, and all the lovely things you wrote about her.
It must be difficult being alone so much and having a clingy baby to look after. I remember those days and thought they would never end, but they do and when you look back it’s generally the giggles and cute smiles and baby cuddles that you remember most.
Thinking of you always and I’ll pray for you often xx
Thanks for linking up to #Wotw
Thank you Anne. Memories of Jessica bring me lots of smiles too; we have so many happy memories. The giggles and cute baby smiles from Thomas do help too. I know that this is going to be a particularly hard time and we will get through. Writing it out helps a little too x
Oh Louise, I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. Jessica has left such a huge hole in your lives, I can’t imagine how hard each day must be to get through. I think the fact that you look hard for the good in every day is a testament to your strength. It’s good that Sophie is opening up, I hope the sessions will help her and you too. Look how brave she is with that snake ! she always looks so happy and interested in whatever she is doing. Thomas is getting cuter by the day, I hope his clingy phase doesn’t last too much longer for you. x #wotw
Thank you Angela. Sometimes looking for the good is the one thing that helps give that little pinprick of light and it does make the sadness a little easier to bear. Sophie and Thomas are such little sweethearts and it is lovely to hear Sophie talking about Jessica x
Huge hugs, Louise. No words can express, but I am thinking of you all. I love that you are finding even the pinpricks of light. In another time, these would seem so much more. I’m sorry the playgroups are not helping. So often all they do is verify that you are alone. I used to dread them, but felt I had to go. I hope Sophie’s one-to-ones help her. Paper dolls are a sweet idea. And the snake. Go Sophie! I think it sounds sweet that the deer may be enjoying Jessica’s flowers. Hope you have a good and restful weekend. #wotw
Thank you Cheryl. There is one really good group that I go to so I’m just going to focus on that one now. Sophie really enjoyed making her paper dolls and it was so lovely to hear her chatting about Jessica.
Sending big hugs. I can’t imagine what you are feeling at the moment. Thinking of those last times must be unbearable.
It sounds like the bereavement support is helping Sophie open up and talk about Jessica.
She looks so pleased with herself holding the snake and so grown up with the pram. x
Thank you Kim. I think the coming weeks are going to be especially hard as the memories become increasingly painful. We will get through them though x