To Jessica on your 11th birthday

Darling Jessica,

Today is your 11th birthday. A day that should have started with you waking early to open cards and presents before getting ready for school. You would have been starting in year 6 today and no doubt would have been excited that your baby brother was starting school for the first time. I’m sure you would have been looking forward to seeing your friends again and to having some birthday cake after school. I’d have walked you and your siblings to school, come home and shed a few tears about my big girl being in her last year of juniors and my baby boy starting school after coming home.

 

 

Sadly though there are no presents to open although I did spend today making you a birthday cake so we could take it to your forever bed and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you. This year I remembered how much you loved your Twilight Sparkle toy that Santa left in your last Christmas stocking and made you a Twilight Sparkle-themed unicorn cake. I’m sure you’d have requested something a little different at 11 years old, but I know that 6 year old Jessica would have loved it.

 

 

I wonder what you’d be like now? It sounds so grown up – 11 years old and moving into your last year at primary school. We’d be starting to think ahead to secondary school, perhaps we’d be preparing you for the 11 plus. Sophie asked me the other day who your friends would be. I named a couple of people you were friendly with in Year 1 but as your best friend moved away a while ago, I don’t know who would have been your closest friends now.

 

That not knowing is hard. Not knowing what you’d look like, what things you’d enjoy doing, who your friends would be, what you would be like at 11 years old. And knowing that I’ll never know who you would have been. Just the beautiful little person that you were, forever frozen in time at six years old.

 

Darling Jessica, I wish today could have been the way I imagined it being instead of how it is in reality. I wish I could have watched you opening cards and presents and seen you smile as we sang happy birthday to you. I wish I could have had a hug as you headed into school (or at least before we left the house if hugging your mum in public would have been far too embarrassing). I wish we could have been planning a party and enjoying the celebrations. I wish I could have had these last few years together, all the moments that we have missed with you. Even just a few more moments would be wonderful.

 

 

When you entered the world eleven years ago, you brought joy with you. You were my miracle, my joy-carrier, my ray of sunshine and being your mummy was such a beautiful gift. I’m thankful for all those beautiful moments we had with you, for those six and a half wonderful years we were blessed with. I just wish I could live them all over again.

 

Happy heavenly birthday, my sweet girl. I love you more than words could say and miss you so very much.

 

Love you millions and billions,

Mummy xxxxxxxxx