I went to meet my younger self for coffee but couldn’t go in. Instead I hovered outside, just out of sight and peeped in on her, drinking in the sight of her with her two little girls, hearing the giggles and seeing the love and cuddles. I was so proud of her. Proud of the way she focused on the moment, on being a loving and safe space, on making memories and giving those two little girls so many fun moments. I was proud of her strength, of the way she pushed her fear aside and tried to be the best mummy she could be. I saw her doubt that she wasn’t enough, saw the tiredness on her face and I wanted to hug her. I envied her in that moment, seeing her still whole. I ached desperately to run in, to be part of that moment, and especially to pick up the little girl with the glasses and the beautiful smile and hold her close for a moment.
But I stayed outside and watched with tears flowing down my face.
I knew that I was her worst nightmare come true. I knew that she did not want to know what the future held. No amount of telling her that she would endure, that she would find the strength to keep going, that she could find pockets of joy in the depths of grief would help her in that moment. She would not want to know. And I could not break her heart, could not shatter the hope that she desperately clung to.
And so I stayed out of sight and watched for a moment more. Wishing that I could step back to that moment once again, whilst knowing that it was a life that I was forever exiled from. Watching and drinking it all in, allowing myself to feel it all once more.
And then grief tapped me on the shoulder and told me it was time to go. I gave one final glance back, and whispered to her, “Treasure it all, give it your all. Don’t let the fear of tomorrow rob today of its joy” and as she briefly looked up, I knew that she had heard me.
This is so sad but so beautifully written.