Child loss

Me cuddling Thomas at his christening

Complicated emotions: loving my rainbow baby

In the beginning, there was joy. Two excited big sisters. The dream of life as five. My big girl patting my tummy, giving it kisses. Resting her head on my…

Grief and life after Jessica: Six months on

Six months. Six months since the last time I cuddled my big girl; the last time I looked into her beautiful eyes. How can six months have passed by already,…

A photo of Jessica holding a toy while dressed in a cat outfit

Grief and life after Jessica: “New” memories – a precious gift

One of the many things that broke my heart when Jessica died was sorting through and editing photos of her, knowing that there would be no more new ones to…

Sophie with Thomas with Jessica's cushion in the middle

Grief and life after Jessica: “No, I have three children.”

I had a conversation with an acquaintance recently, triggered by a discussion about whether I was planning any more children. The conversation went something like this:   Her: “Well, two…

Jessica and Sophie outside the door - Jessica in her school uniform and Sophie in her preschool jumper

Grief and life after Jessica: The school run

Here I am again – back to doing the school run. Dropping a little girl off at a reception classroom once more. How different it all is second time around.…

Forget-me-nots

Grief and life after Jessica: Counselling – who is it for?

I’ve been told a few times since Jessica died that I need to have counselling. I’m sure the people who tell me this mean well, but it leaves me wondering…

Hubby, me, Sophie and Thomas with a picture of Jessica and her birthday cake at her forever bed

Remembering Jessica: a special birthday picnic

Jessica’s birthday was always such a milestone moment. As well as being her birthday, it was also one of her heart days – the anniversary of her first open heart…

Jessica sitting in the Temple restaurant at Chessington

Forever six

Darling Jessica,   Tomorrow is your seventh birthday. You should be getting excited about it, looking forward to your cards and presents, telling me what cake you want. But you’re…

Jessica sitting on top of a tree stump

Grief and life after Jessica: the fear of moving forward

Grief is a funny thing. There are times when I feel like I am drowning in the stormy sea of grief and times when the waves calm and I find…

Jessica wearing a princess dress and fairy wings, looking over a lake

Grief and life after Jessica: Some days you feel so far away

Some days you feel so far away. I look for signs that you are still here with me somehow and there are none. Just emptiness.   I long for you…