A new year is like opening a book full of blank pages. Wondering what is going to be written on those pages. At the start of the new year, the thought of those blank pages frightens me. What things will be written on them? That there will be happy moments, exciting moments, fun moments I have no doubt. But I also know that those pages may be filled with heartbreak too. That whilst the new year can be an opportunity to fulfill our goals and move forward with our hopes and dreams, there are so many things beyond our control. Whilst of course I have some aims for the new year – taking on the #366daysofgratitude challenge and improving my French are two of them – I find it hard to look ahead and make plans for a future that may not be mine.
As a heart mummy, the fear of what the future may bring is always there; it is something I live with each day. What will this new year bring? It is likely to bring challenges – a cardiac catheter investigation will almost certainly take place and it may well be that Jessica’s next open-heart surgery will happen this year too. We have walked the road of open heart surgery several times before but each time it gets harder and harder. The more I see this beautiful girl of mine grow and thrive, and develop her own wonderful personality, the harder the prospect of having to hand her over to a surgeon becomes. Not to mention the fact that I am more aware of the risks, of the fact that not all children make it home after surgery. And yet I know that Jessica’s current circulation will only last so long; that her continued survival depends upon another heart surgery.
My only wish for the year ahead is that I will end it with my family still complete. Whatever challenges lie ahead, I pray that we will meet them, and get through them together. Whilst I have no control over what tomorrow may bring, I remind myself that I do have today. I have the here and now – little moments there to be enjoyed, to be treasured, before they become nothing more than memories. I will enjoy the time I have with my two beautiful girls and push away the thought of what tomorrow may bring. It may bring miracles, hope and promise, and it may not. One thing’s for sure though, I won’t let the fear of what the future may bring rob me of the joy that I have today.