Last Friday, we said goodbye to our beautiful Jessica and laid her to rest in her forever bed after a service to celebrate her life at our church. It was an incredibly hard day but it was beautiful too. Hubby and I managed to get up and say a few words about our little miracle; as did her reception teacher and Girls’ Brigade captain and we shared a video slideshow full of six years of happy memories of Jessica. The church was absolutely packed and we felt so surrounded by love and support. It was everything we wanted it to be for Jessica.
On Sunday, we attended the Little Hearts Matter memorial event where we met with other bereaved parents at the National Memorial Arboretum to hang hearts in a tree in memory of our children. Again, it was a hard day for us but it also helped us to be able to talk to other parents.
This past week has been a very difficult one. Without the focus of the funeral, reality has hit us very hard once again. Learning to live our lives without Jessica and having to accept that she has gone. The pain has been very raw and intense and we are very much having to take everything moment by moment. Sophie on the whole has been a little superstar. We have made a safe space for her in Jessica’s old bedroom – putting up the pop-up princess tent that she and Jessica loved and filling it with cushions, photos and toys. It’s really helped her and she’s loved it so much that she had a couple of nights of wanting to sleep in it.
We had a growth scan yesterday for Peanut and all looked fine on scan. The sonographer was lovely and really took the time to listen when hubby told her about our loss. Unfortunately, the consultant obstetrician I saw was the complete opposite. The sonographer had told antenatal clinic about our bereavement in the hopes that we wouldn’t have to wait around in clinic for too long. I was utterly shocked then when the consultant’s opening words were “I understand you’re in a bad mood” and although I did explain what had happened, it is clear from the notes that she didn’t really listen. The lack of compassion made me so upset and so angry. Needless to say a complaint letter is winging its way to the hospital requesting that my care is transferred to another consultant as I don’t ever want to see that one again.
Things that have made me smile over the last couple of weeks
- Seeing my bump move when Peanut wriggles.
- Making a dragon on a nest of eggs with Sophie.
- Seeing how happy Sophie was at being able to ride her bike to the park.
- Watching Sophie have fun blowing bubble snakes.
- The pretty garden that Sophie’s preschool created and named “Jessica’s garden”
- Jessica’s school holding “Jessica’s day” and having all the children dress up as princes and princesses in her honour. I especially loved seeing one of the male teachers (who will be Sophie’s reception teacher next year) dressed in a princess dress to remember Jessica.
- Seeing the roses starting to bloom in the garden.
- Sophie riding her scooter to preschool.
- Seeing all the pretty rhododendrons at Langley Park and watching Sophie having fun with one of her preschool friends in the playground.