It’s that time of year when I become aware of an increasing heaviness settling on me. The weight of grief feels almost physical at times. Even though it was anticipated with Mother’s Day this week, and the fifth anniversary of Jessica’s death starting to loom on the horizon, it catches me unaware at times, hitting me at the most unexpected moments. Five years. It feels like a huge milestone. I wonder how on earth I’ve managed to survive nearly five years without my beautiful Jessica and ache for all those moments that she’s missed. I think back to that time five years ago when Jessica was still here with us and see how poorly she was and wonder once more whether we could have changed the outcome if only we’d done something differently.
I know those thoughts are futile. I know that we did what we thought was best for Jessica at the time, based on what we knew then. That we would have done anything in our power to save her had we known. And to some extent, I’ve accepted that there may have been nothing that we could have done to prevent Jessica’s death. I’ve learned to live with grief and to hold on to my memories of Jessica when I desperately want to hold her. But sometimes it’s so incredibly hard.
I know the coming weeks are going to be tough ones. I know that I need to take each moment as it comes and to be gentle with myself. We’ve got through this anniversary before, trying to find joy for Jessica, and we’ll do it again. One moment at a time.
What I’ve been grateful for this week:
- Day 76 – I am grateful for a bit of red face paint and two happy children going off to school for Red Nose Day.
- Day 77 – I am grateful for a pony ride through the woods.
- Day 78 – I am grateful for being a mummy to my three beautiful children. Wish I could have known what it would have been like to have had all three here with me, but always grateful for the moments I had with Jessica and the moments I have with Sophie and Thomas (even the ones when they’re driving me up the wall although I don’t always feel so grateful for those!)
- Day 79 – I am grateful for everyone who has helped with the warm welcome centre at church over the last few months.
- Day 80 – I am grateful for the new prayer space at church.
- Day 81 – I am grateful that getting to put their own toppings on pizza means fewer grumbles about dinner!
- Day 82 – I am grateful for cups of tea.
Other things that have made me smile this week:
- Some quiet time with Jessica.
- Seeing the daffodils out in the garden and the tulips starting to appear.
- A trip to the park with Thomas.
- Thomas working out what the house numbers are in Roman numerals on the walk to school.
Beautifully written and heart-felt as ever Louise. You have kept Jessica’s memory alive for all of us reading. Sending love x
Thank you Paul. Hope you and your family are all well x
Sending massive love and hugs. It is a horrible anniversary which I wish you didn’t have to remember. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you did everything you could for Jessica.
What lovely things to be grateful for. x
Thank you Kim. It is such a tough anniversary and this particular milestone feels very tough x
I understand your grief fully. Last Thursday my son who died at age 19 would have been 30 years old! I also thought Mother’s Day would be an emotional grief-filled day and that Thursday would have been too. I did think a lot about him but those feelings never came this year. I have no doubt that they will hit at different times throughout the year though. That’s the thing with grief… you just never know when it will hit.
I also think sometimes about what I could have done differently. Some days I regret some decisions I made. But I know it’s futile, as you say. But I do know the aching pain of grief.
Five years hits hard, doesn’t it? But it does get more and more bearable.
Think of all the happy times and the smiles, those will make you smile too. Comedy helps me, it’s something we had in common with my son.
Sending virtual hugs.
Continue being grateful for all the little things.
Thank you. I’m glad that Mother’s Day and your son’s birthday were gentle days for you this year.
She is always with you and I am united with your feelings by heart at a distance, as I am going through something very similar!!! On this day in 2021, my little mirabelle became an angel.
Jessica is an inspiration, she is infinite, she loves you, love never dies. The bond between mom and child is eternal. You are a wonderful mom and I love your posts. big hugs. xx
Thank you Kyram. Thinking of you and Mirabelle today and hope that the day will be as gentle as possible for you. I know the love you and Mirabelle share will always be there too and I hope your beautiful memories help you through at this time. Much love xx
I know you will ride this wave of grief, the bad times hit hard, but the memories of the good times will win through in the end I’m sure. Sending gentle hugs to lift the heaviness of your heart.
Thank you Anne. There are lots of beautiful memories to hold on to as well as the difficult ones x
I hope that with each mother’s day that passes, your grief lessens.
Can’t beat pick your own pizza toppings for children. They can’t really complain if they’ve chosen them!
Thank you. We don’t often do pick your own pizza toppings but it always works well when we do.
Such heartfelt writing, love to you all at they difficult time, glad you managed to find moments to be grateful and sorry Mother’s Day is so hard. I hope Sophie and Thomas spoilt you, you deserve it
Thank you – it is a difficult time of year but finding moments to be grateful for helps.
A pony ride through the woods looks lovely. Be gentle with yourself these next few weeks xx
Thank you Kara x
So sorry that you have been feeling heavy due to the weight of emotion at present. I can’t believe it has been 5 years but I’m sure every minue has weighed on you. On a lighter note, I have tried the pizza trick but nothing will make Zach eat it! #project365
Thank you. Five years really does feel such a huge milestone. Shame that the pizza trick doesn’t work on Zach.
Bless you, sending hugs. I hope the weeks passed as well as they could for you all #WotW