It’s that time of year when I become aware of an increasing heaviness settling on me. The weight of grief feels almost physical at times. Even though it was anticipated with Mother’s Day this week, and the fifth anniversary of Jessica’s death starting to loom on the horizon, it catches me unaware at times, hitting me at the most unexpected moments. Five years. It feels like a huge milestone. I wonder how on earth I’ve managed to survive nearly five years without my beautiful Jessica and ache for all those moments that she’s missed. I think back to that time five years ago when Jessica was still here with us and see how poorly she was and wonder once more whether we could have changed the outcome if only we’d done something differently.
I know those thoughts are futile. I know that we did what we thought was best for Jessica at the time, based on what we knew then. That we would have done anything in our power to save her had we known. And to some extent, I’ve accepted that there may have been nothing that we could have done to prevent Jessica’s death. I’ve learned to live with grief and to hold on to my memories of Jessica when I desperately want to hold her. But sometimes it’s so incredibly hard.
I know the coming weeks are going to be tough ones. I know that I need to take each moment as it comes and to be gentle with myself. We’ve got through this anniversary before, trying to find joy for Jessica, and we’ll do it again. One moment at a time.
What I’ve been grateful for this week:
- Day 76 – I am grateful for a bit of red face paint and two happy children going off to school for Red Nose Day.
- Day 77 – I am grateful for a pony ride through the woods.
- Day 78 – I am grateful for being a mummy to my three beautiful children. Wish I could have known what it would have been like to have had all three here with me, but always grateful for the moments I had with Jessica and the moments I have with Sophie and Thomas (even the ones when they’re driving me up the wall although I don’t always feel so grateful for those!)
- Day 79 – I am grateful for everyone who has helped with the warm welcome centre at church over the last few months.
- Day 80 – I am grateful for the new prayer space at church.
- Day 81 – I am grateful that getting to put their own toppings on pizza means fewer grumbles about dinner!
- Day 82 – I am grateful for cups of tea.
Other things that have made me smile this week:
- Some quiet time with Jessica.
- Seeing the daffodils out in the garden and the tulips starting to appear.
- A trip to the park with Thomas.
- Thomas working out what the house numbers are in Roman numerals on the walk to school.