I’m struggling with this second lockdown to be honest. I don’t know why really, the changes in our day-to-day life didn’t really feel all that big and I felt well prepared for them. Maybe I’m just hitting exhaustion levels overall – feeling tired of life being restricted, tired of not being able to visit family, tired of my support net not being in place because of the restrictions. Not being able to ask the grandparents to have the children for an hour or two when it all feels too much. Not that I really ever did without a more specific reason for asking. But knowing that the option was there still helped somehow.
Grief-guilt has been raging this week. Memories of those last few days with Jessica, of words and actions that weren’t as loving as they could have been, guilt over decisions that I could have made differently and the anguish of knowing that I can’t go back and make any of it better. Guilt over how grief affects my parenting now; over short-tempered outbursts and the feeling of falling so very far short of the mother I would like to be. Having to live with Jessica feels utterly unbearable right now. I miss her so very much. This week, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of grief. Trying to hold on to the life-raft that others have thrown my way; trying to remind myself that the waves will calm down again and I will find a way to ride the waves once more. It is hard to remember that the storm will pass when everything else seems deafened by its roar.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Sophie moving up another reading level at school. She’s now on white books.
- A walk around Black Park with Sophie and Thomas.
- Watching Thomas having fun playing in the garden.
- Thomas’s Oompa-Loompa face after eating ‘orange pasta’.
- A socially-distanced walk and chat with a friend.