Friday Focus 13/11/20 – Struggling

I’m struggling with this second lockdown to be honest. I don’t know why really, the changes in our day-to-day life didn’t really feel all that big and I felt well prepared for them.  Maybe I’m just hitting exhaustion levels overall – feeling tired of life being restricted, tired of not being able to visit family, tired of my support net not being in place because of the restrictions. Not being able to ask the grandparents to have the children for an hour or two when it all feels too much. Not that I really ever did without a more specific reason for asking. But knowing that the option was there still helped somehow.

 

The word 'struggling'

 

Grief-guilt has been raging this week. Memories of those last few days with Jessica, of words and actions that weren’t as loving as they could have been, guilt over decisions that I could have made differently and the anguish of knowing that I can’t go back and make any of it better. Guilt over how grief affects my parenting now; over short-tempered outbursts and the feeling of falling so very far short of the mother I would like to be.  Having to live with Jessica feels utterly unbearable right now. I miss her so very much. This week, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of grief. Trying to hold on to the life-raft that others have thrown my way; trying to remind myself that the waves will calm down again and I will find a way to ride the waves once more. It is hard to remember that the storm will pass when everything else seems deafened by its roar.

 

Things that have made me smile this week

  • Sophie moving up another reading level at school. She’s now on white books.

 

  • A walk around Black Park with Sophie and Thomas.

 

Thomas and Sophie by the lake at Black Park with Sophie standing on the middle rung of the fence

 

  • Watching Thomas having fun playing in the garden.

 

A smiley Thomas looking out of the window of his play house

 

  • Thomas’s Oompa-Loompa face after eating ‘orange pasta’.

 

Thomas sitting in his high chair with a very orange face

 

  • A socially-distanced walk and chat with a friend.

 

Thomas standing on the Japanese bridge in the arboretum at Langley Park with autumn trees surrounding him

 

Word of the Week linky

6 thoughts on “Friday Focus 13/11/20 – Struggling

  1. Oh my I had to laugh out loud at Thomas’ oompa lumpa face 🙂
    As for the struggling, I think there must be something in the universe at the moment that’s pulling a lot of us down. I still struggle with grief. It was 12 years ago this month that my Mum was diagnosed with Cancer and given weeks to live (She died on Christmas day.) I still fret about things I could have done differently. We both know these waves catch us unawares, but we get through it, we always do. Sending big hugs x

    1. Thank you Anne. I can imagine this time of year is hard for you with the memories of your mum’s last weeks. Big hugs to you too x

  2. Sending love and hugs. I think this 2nd lockdown is harder than the first too. We’re isolating at the moment but before that we didn’t have many changes to our routine but it did seem tougher.
    The grief guilt sounds truly awful. I am thinking of you as always.
    I am glad you have found some happy moments from the week. Thomas’s Oompa-Loompa face made me laugh out loud. hahaha x

  3. I don’t think there are many parents who would not agree how physically and mentally draining it is to have young children. You have grief on top of that. Please don’t beat yourself up. It must be difficult not having your usual support system around you. I’m sure they are feeling it too. Oh my goodness. That face. That is the photo to bring out at his 18th or maybe wedding. Well done Sophie for going up a reading group. I hope next week is easier for you. #wotw

    1. Thank you Cheryl. It is exhausting at times dealing with grief while juggling life with young children and the lack of support system does make that harder at the moment. Today feels a little more bearable than the last few days have been and hopefully the weekend will be a little kinder.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.