This time of year is mostly about getting through the days, allowing the stormy sea of grief to rise up and crash over us. Letting the memories come, letting the guilt rear its ugly head and not wasting our energy fighting against it. Holding fast to the beautiful memories we have of Jessica, to the love we have for her and the love she had for us and knowing that nothing can take that love away.
I can be very good at distracting myself from grief, but I have also learned that if I push it away too often, it will come back more strongly each time. It needs its own time and space and this is one of those times when it will demand that time and space. It’s hard, and the ache for Jessica feels unbearable at times, but allowing space for our grief allows space for her too. We’ll be trying to get through the anniversary of her death next week in our usual way, focusing on trying to #givejoyforjessica to honour our beautiful girl who gave so much joy to others in her life.
Yesterday was the eighth anniversary of starting this blog. I’m grateful for all the memories of family moments together that have been captured here, for the support I’ve had over the years and the online friends I’ve made as a result. Writing about things has also been a good way of getting through difficult times. I started it to share some of my experiences as a heart mum but now half of that time has been as a bereaved mum. The majority of posts are still from life with Jessica though as I blogged a lot more frequently back then.
We’ve been getting through most of this week without heating or hot water after the leak we had last week. I’ve been very thankful for jumpers, portable heaters and electric showers! Thankfully the valves have now been replaced and everything seems to be working again.
It’s been good to get back to normal routines again this week now that we’re all recovered from Covid. Sophie and Thomas have enjoyed being back at school and preschool and I have to admit I’ve enjoyed having a little bit of me-time as well! It’s been good to have that space to recharge my batteries again just in time for the Easter holidays to start.
What I’ve been grateful for this week:
- Day 91 – I am grateful that Thomas’s wrist is fine after 111 sent us to A&E as he fell yesterday and was still refusing to use that hand or bend his fingers or wrist this morning.
- Day 92 – I am grateful that Sophie had fun making a nature collage.
- Day 93 – I am grateful for simple fun outdoor activities that can be done in the garden. Sophie was very pleased with herself for managing to build a pebble stack nine pebbles high. My best was six!
- Day 94 – I am grateful for being able to venture out again!
- Day 95 – I am grateful for Easter bonnets.
- Day 96 – I am grateful for wipes.
- Day 97 – I am grateful the table is no longer in danger of completely disappearing beneath a mountain of paperwork, craft items and toys. Fingers crossed we can manage to keep it this tidy!!
Other things that have made me smile this week:
- Doing a dinosaur hunt in the garden with Sophie and Thomas.
- Doing some leaf printing with Sophie.
- Sophie’s excitement over having a couple of swimming lessons at school.