For the last two years, I have taken part in a daily gratitude challenge – sharing one photo a day on Instagram of something I am grateful for. It’s taught me to look for the little things and has made me a more positive person. It has not always been easy to find something to be grateful for each day though.
This week has been an especially tough one when it comes to finding the little moments of gratitude. It has been a week where I have been incredibly stressed and worried about my eldest daughter’s health and ended with the moment that no parent should ever have to face – the loss of their child. I am utterly heartbroken as I sit down to write this post. And yet, something in me feels I have to continue. My little Jessica was a ray of sunshine. She brought so much joy to so many people in her short life, showed so much strength and her half a heart absolutely overflowed with love. I will try to continue with this challenge in honour of her.
In what was the hardest week of my life, these are the things that I found to be thankful for. Some of them seem incredibly trivial looking back. Some of them are hard to read knowing the outcome of the week. Those little snapshots show the little (and big moments) in which I found glimmers of light and hope.
To my darling little Jessica, I am grateful to have been your mummy. I will always be grateful for that, for those six and a half wonderful years that I was blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for all those moments of joy that you gave me. I will love and miss you for the rest of my life.
Day 98 – I am grateful for preprepared veggies, cold meat and ready made Yorkshire puddings and a “cheat’s roast” for dinner – perfect for when I’m short on time after an afternoon rehearsing for next month’s concert.
Day 99 – I am grateful for fun dress-up outfits for my girls.
Day 100 – I am grateful for A&E. We had an unexpected detour on the way home from Chessington today as Jessica had a prolonged coughing fit which left her very blue and breathless. She’s now much pinker and more comfortable thanks to a few salbutamol nebulisers but will be staying in overnight.
Day 101 – I am grateful for the doctors and nurses currently looking after Jessica. She’s currently in high dependency at St Peter’s and the team here have been keeping in touch with Southampton. She’s been on oxygen on and off today and has had moments of perking up in between the times of just wanting to be left alone to sleep. Hoping that all the meds start to help ease her nasty cough and finally kick all these horrible bugs that she’s been fighting for the past few weeks.
Day 102 – I am grateful to be back home again with both my gorgeous girlies. Jessica is doing well, still got a nasty cough but we’ve come home with a big bag of meds (and a complicated schedule to follow over the next few days!) which should hopefully help get her well again. Cardiac check-up has also been moved forward to the end of the month. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again tonight after two nights in a chair next to Jessica’s bed!
Day 103 – I am grateful that Jessica enjoyed her dinner this evening and ate it all. Getting her to eat has been a struggle recently with her being so unwell. She’s still quite a poorly girl but it was good to see her enjoying her dinner at least.
Day 104 – I am grateful for six and a half amazing years with this little girl. We are utterly broken-hearted right now. Jessica passed away in the early hours of this morning. She brought us so much joy and we are thankful for every moment we got to have with her. It was more than we thought we would have in the early days but it will never be enough. Fly high my beautiful girl xxx
Oh Louise, you are doing this right, be thankful, be grateful, think of her and she’ll always be there with you. I know loss, but I have never experienced the loss of a child. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is when grief is hard anyway. You will get through this I know. You have a loving family and you know you need to take care of you and peanut now. I know that many tears have been shed over Jessica’s passing, even from people who have never met her. She’s been in my mind constantly since I first heard. Such a beautiful and brave little girl will never be forgotten. My heart goes out to you all but keep on being grateful, never have any regrets. I’m with you in spirit and keep you all in my thoughts. Sending many gentle hugs and loads of love, Anne xxx
Louise you have always been the most perfect mummy to Jessica, and you continue to be so. I can’t begin to imagine what you and Michael are going through right now, but know that you have thousands and thousands of us right beside you, even if only in spirit xxxxx