It’s been a week full of appointments, milestone moments, events and emotions. There’s been lots of last moments as we approach the end of term for Sophie. We’ve also been back at the hospital a few times for various reasons.
Sophie had fracture clinic on Saturday. She ended up having a plaster cast put on her arm and needed another X-ray. The walk to X-ray took me past the back corridor of A&E again and the relatives room where we waited on the night Jessica died bringing those memories back sharply once more. Thankfully Sophie was brilliant, staying nice and still for her X-ray and while having the plaster cast put on. She chose a bright pink one which will need to stay on for three weeks. Jessica would have been quite fascinated to watch the plaster cast being put on her little sister. She would have been so good at reassuring her and making sure Sophie was all right.
We had an appointment at breech clinic on Monday to discuss trying to turn Peanut next week if he/she stays breech. This was then followed by a consultant appointment at antenatal clinic on Wednesday. I also had some moxibustion later that day to try and help encourage Peanut to turn.
The hardest appointment of the week was on Wednesday afternoon when we met with the consultant who looked after Jessica on A&E on the night she died. We wanted to understand more about what happened that night to try and shed some light on what might have caused Jessica’s death. We’re still waiting for any possible insights from the post-mortem results. It was a tough meeting. Being in children’s clinic for the first time without Jessica was hard. Seeing the consultant also brought back the memories of that night into very sharp focus again. While we still don’t know what caused Jessica’s death, we now at least have a better insight into the clinical scenario that evening. Some of the discussion was reassuring in terms of our questions about whether we could have done more. We have also been referred for bereavement counselling at the hospital.
Being back at the hospital so often would have made for an emotional week by itself but it’s also been Sophie’s last week at preschool. I don’t quite have the same sense of sadness I felt when Jessica finished preschool (partly because I’m more prepared for the next step second time around!) but it is bittersweet to reach the end of this era of Sophie’s life. Her preschool have been wonderful with both her and Jessica and have been so supportive since Jessica’s death. It has been so lovely to see how happy both my girls have been there.
As well as the last day at preschool, there have also been last times at the various groups Sophie goes too. She had her last session at baby ballet on Saturday and had a bit of a wobble midway through the class. I think it was the realisation that next term she moves up into Jessica’s class but Jessica won’t be there with her. We’ve also had her last sessions at French and Tiny Talk, although with occasional Tiny Talk sessions being run in the holidays, I’m sure she will get to go back a couple of times in the future with Peanut.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Watching Sophie have fun playing with one of her cousins on hubby’s side during a family visit.
- A beautiful moment in the middle of the night where I felt a rush of love for Peanut for the first time since Jessica died. I could hear Sophie’s breathing as she slept and the rustling noise her doll made whenever Sophie moved. It sounded exactly like the noise Jessica’s doll Kerry made whenever Jessica moved in her sleep which made it feel like Jessica was there too. I had a moment of feeling that all three of my children were with me and it was incredibly comforting.
- Funny photos of Sophie and her best friend at preschool.
- Trying out a new recipe and baking chocolate orange caramel shortbread for Sophie’s preschool teachers.
- Finding another one of Jessica’s drawings that I don’t remember seeing before.
- Seeing how lovely Sophie is with the younger children at Tiny Talk. She was so adorable sharing toys with them and giving them hugs at our last session.
It sounds like it’s been a very challenging and emotional week for you. I really hope you have some answers soon, it must be so hard having to re-live that night over again. You are so incredibly strong Louise continuing to share Jessica’s story.
Sophie is being so brave, I love the cast colour she chose, perfect for a little princess. Jessica’s drawing is just lovely x
Thank you Angela. It has been a very tough and emotional week. I was dreading the appointment with the consultant but I knew it was something we needed to do to help us process things, even though it was so hard to have to relive it all again x
A very full week, packed with appointments and emotions. I’m glad Sophie got on well at the clinic, that pink is lovely! I find end of term is always emotional anyway, with so many final moments and another year passed. This time of year on top of your grief and emotions, and then the pregnancy hormones must be utterly draining and near impossible. Sending love, as always x Thanks for sharing with #WotW
It is an emotional time isn’t it with all those last times that come at the end of term. Definitely been harder with everything else going on – my word of the week could have also been “drained” or “exhausted” after such a busy week! Hopefully I’ll get some time to catch my breath again at the weekend x
Oh my goodness, your post is so full of all the emotions. Such a difficult week for you but how lovely you had that feeling of all three of your children being with you that night. I hope Peanut turns for you. I had two breech baby’s, Eldest Daughter was breech on her due date and they talked about turning her and arranged for me to go in the next day. On the way home she turned, by herself, in the car and it was both amazing and painful. Then I went straight into labour and she was born a few hours later!! With the Little Man, they didn’t even discuss turning him. I think it was probably due to my age (44) I went straight in for an elective C. Section, which went really well and I guess it was a nice experience for my last pregnancy. (I didn’t miss labour at all!) Sorry for rambling on about myself. As I said, I have my fingers crossed that Peanut turns for you, and if he/she doesn’t then I’m sure everything will be fine. xx
It was such a lovely feeling and has helped me through some of the harder emotions of the week. Glad that your caesarean experience with Little Man was a positive one – that’s good to know if I do end up having one this time around. Still hoping Peanut will turn but haven’t ruled out a natural birth yet if he/she stays breech. Will have to wait and see! x
Oh my goodness, full is right. It sounds like you’re doing an incredible job handling everything. I love your “what made me smile” addition at the bottom. There are always wonderful things to find, even in a tough week 🙂 x #WotW
Thank you. I still like to try and find little positives even when it’s been a tough week.
Aww! Poor Sophie. It sounds like she is being very brave. I do love the pink plaster cast. So cute.
Good luck with turning Peanut.
I am glad you feel reassured after Wednesday’s appointment. The bereavement counselling sounds like a good idea.
All those lasts get us so emotional. Sending hugs x
Thanks Kim. She certainly is being brave and coping well with her cast x
What a difficult week for you. The end of term is overwhelming at the best of times and you have both grief and pregnancy to cope with in this sweltering weather as well. I hope you are managing to make a little time for yourself here and there, it’s so important.
Nat.xx
Thank you Nat, doing my best to have a little me time here and there too x
Poor Sophie! she was very brave though 🙂 I hope Peanut decides to move on their own. I’m glad the appointment at the hospital gave you some reassurance, and like the previous comment says, please take some time for you, it is important, even something like having a cuppa outside in the garden.
Thanks Karen, Sophie has been very brave. Trying to make sure I have a bit of me time here and there too x
Aw Louise it must be so hard you all these moments and milestones but you are doing great my lovely, and I am so thrilled you have felt that rush of love and knowing peanut is now safely here makes it all the more wonderful, well done Sophie for being so brave and Jessicas picture is like a beautiful gift x
Thank you Sarah x