I’m feeling quite frazzled this week. It’s been one of those weeks where everything just feels too much. The heat; trying to juggle work, looking after the children, doing housework, keeping on top of church commitments; never quite managing to get enough sleep; struggling with grief and missing Jessica. Grief has been overwhelming at times this week. I miss that little girl of mine so very much. Having to live my life without Jessica has felt utterly unbearable this week.
Sometimes when I’m struggling, I write about how I feel and sometimes I find it easier to draw a picture to illustrate it. I drew the picture below earlier this week, when I was having a particularly bad day and feeling overwhelmed and alone. I tend to try and keep my social media feed fairly positive, with my daily gratitude photo, but it was one of those days when I’d had enough of trying to put on a brave face and so I shared the picture.
The responses from my friends and family made me realise that I wasn’t quite so alone after all. I miss being able to see them, but it was a reminder that even though we can’t meet up, they are still there. I re-drew the picture later that day to reflect that.
I joined in with an online support group this week for parents who have lost a school-aged child. I’m not sure whether I found it helpful or not really, but it was a safe space to be able to talk about Jessica and about my grief with other parents who understand.
It’s been a tough week on the whole. It’s a tough time of year to be honest – the summer holidays with all the memories of the fun we used to have with Jessica; the start of a new school year approaching and Jessica’s ninth birthday coming up too. Some days I just have to ride the storm as best I can. I’ll get through it.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Watching Thomas playing with Sophie’s dress-up dolls.
- Sophie’s delight at getting some pre-loved LOL dolls to add to her collection.
- Getting my old birth pool out in the garden and sitting in it with hubby and the children.
- Cooling down in the paddling pool.
- Enjoying the feel of the rain on my face.
- Sophie running outside to go and splash in the rain.
- An unexpected phone call from an old uni friend.
- Thomas running along the sofa, throwing himself face-down on the cushions and then looking up at me with the biggest grin and saying “your turn!”