I can’t quite believe that baby Thomas is a week old already. This past week has been an incredibly bittersweet one. Thomas has brought us so much joy but there has been so much sadness too and we have missed our big girl so very much this week.
From a grief perspective, it has felt much like that first week after Jessica died. A huge sense of trying to adjust to a new life; the constant reminders of what we have lost and the unbearable ache for just one more moment with Jessica. I wish so much I could have seen her and Thomas together – in reality and not as a photo in the background. I know she would have been such a wonderful big sister and she would have been so thrilled with her baby brother. I can imagine what she would have been like but I can never experience it and that breaks my heart.
Sophie too has found it hard. She is wonderful with Thomas and it is lovely to see how much she adores him. Like us it seems that she has gone back to those feelings of the first week after Jessica died. Her behaviour has been very challenging at times – there have been many demands for things she can’t have and much upset over the word ‘no’. We are trying to be patient and understanding but it is hard sometimes too to find the emotional reserves to give the support she needs when we are also dealing with our own emotions and the tiredness of life with a new baby.
There have been many hard moments but many joyful ones too to balance them out. We’ve been enjoying being in our newborn bubble this week, staying at home and just having family time together. Today we’ll be venturing out for the first time and taking our baby boy to visit his biggest sister at her forever bed. I am sure it will be very emotional but it feels right that our first trip out since becoming a family of five should be to go there.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Having newborn snuggles in bed.
- Teeny tiny baby clothes (Thomas is in tiny baby size at the moment as most of the newborn stuff is too big!)
- Watching Sophie stroking Thomas’s head and give him gentle cuddles.
- The milky drunk expressions after Thomas has had a feed.
- Watching Sophie singing and dancing around the living room.
- Visits from friends.
- Sophie getting to ‘help’ with Thomas’s newborn check.
- Getting the carpet fitted in Sophie’s room and thinking about what furniture will be going in there. We have Sophie’s toddler bed and dolls’ house in there but she prefers to sleep in Jessica’s bed in our room for now.
- The way Sophie puts her hands over her ears in her sleep when Thomas cries in the night. Fortunately he doesn’t seem to disturb her sleep too much.