Friday Focus 03/08/18 – A bittersweet first week

I can’t quite believe that baby Thomas is a week old already. This past week has been an incredibly bittersweet one. Thomas has brought us so much joy but there has been so much sadness too and we have missed our big girl so very much this week.

 

The word "bittersweet" with doodles of Jessica and Thomas

 

From a grief perspective, it has felt much like that first week after Jessica died. A huge sense of trying to adjust to a new life; the constant reminders of what we have lost and the unbearable ache for just one more moment with Jessica. I wish so much I could have seen her and Thomas together – in reality and not as a photo in the background. I know she would have been such a wonderful big sister and she would have been so thrilled with her baby brother. I can imagine what she would have been like but I can never experience it and that breaks my heart.

 

Sophie too has found it hard. She is wonderful with Thomas and it is lovely to see how much she adores him. Like us it seems that she has gone back to those feelings of the first week after Jessica died. Her behaviour has been very challenging at times – there have been many demands for things she can’t have and much upset over the word ‘no’. We are trying to be patient and understanding but it is hard sometimes too to find the emotional reserves to give the support she needs when we are also dealing with our own emotions and the tiredness of life with a new baby.

 

There have been many hard moments but many joyful ones too to balance them out. We’ve been enjoying being in our newborn bubble this week, staying at home and just having family time together. Today we’ll be venturing out for the first time and taking our baby boy to visit his biggest sister at her forever bed. I am sure it will be very emotional but it feels right that our first trip out since becoming a family of five should be to go there.

 

Baby Thomas wearing a "I love my daddy" babygro

 

Things that have made me smile this week

  • Having newborn snuggles in bed.

 

Me having a snuggle with Thomas

 

  • Teeny tiny baby clothes (Thomas is in tiny baby size at the moment as most of the newborn stuff is too big!)

 

  • Watching Sophie stroking Thomas’s head and give him gentle cuddles.

 

  • The milky drunk expressions after Thomas has had a feed.

 

Thomas's milky drunk expression after a feed

 

  • Watching Sophie singing and dancing around the living room.

 

  • Visits from friends.

 

  • Sophie getting to ‘help’ with Thomas’s newborn check.

 

Sophie helping with Thomas's newborn check

 

  • Getting the carpet fitted in Sophie’s room and thinking about what furniture will be going in there. We have Sophie’s toddler bed and dolls’ house in there but she prefers to sleep in Jessica’s bed in our room for now.

 

Sophie's toddler bed and new carpet in her new bedroom

 

  • The way Sophie puts her hands over her ears in her sleep when Thomas cries in the night. Fortunately he doesn’t seem to disturb her sleep too much.
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8 Comments

  1. August 3, 2018 / 10:57 am

    oh my, it must be a whirlwind in your head at the moment. OF course you would love to see Jessica with Thomas, it’s heartbreaking. Thomas is so adorable though, how I miss those newborn cuddles in bed, I’ve never minded missing my sleep for newborn cuddles. I’m glad that Sophie is loving having her brother around, it must be so difficult for her too, I know she and Jessica where so close. There is nothing really I can say to make you feel better, but the sadness is important, hold on to your little girl in your heart and she will always be with you. It will hurt, but you wouldn’t be human if it didn’t. Sending much love to you and all your precious family. xxx

  2. August 3, 2018 / 1:28 pm

    A new baby is such a big change for any family but you have so much more to deal with….It is going to take some getting used to.
    Sending love and hugs. I hope today goes OK. It does seem right for his first trip out!
    Gorgeous photos! x

  3. August 3, 2018 / 1:56 pm

    I cannot begin to imagine what a whirlwind of emotions you are all feeling at the moment. Thomas is gorgeous, his milk drunk picture is amazing. I hope today goes as well as possible. I think you are all doing a fabulous job in the hardest of circumstances x

  4. August 3, 2018 / 6:19 pm

    Bittersweet is the perfect word, such a roller coaster of emotions I can imagine it must be so hard for you all. Sophie sounds like she’s being a super big sister just like Jessica would have been. You are doing amazing Louise, Thomas is gorgeous and well worth the sleepless nights. I hope today’s visit to Jessica’s forever bed brought you some comfort x

  5. August 3, 2018 / 6:28 pm

    Ah Louise my heart breaks but also feel joy for you, I am sure beautiful Jessica is looking down on you, it must be so hard for Sophie adjusting. You have so much to rejoice but with a heavy heart and that must be hard, I am astounded by your strength. I hope today brought you some peace and you felt together as a family xxxx

  6. August 4, 2018 / 8:59 am

    Gosh I can imagine all the emotions but I am sure Jessica would of loved her little brother. I am sure is looking down and smiling. I hope you get some rest,it is a big adjustment for the whole family. Sending love X #wotw

  7. August 4, 2018 / 10:58 am

    You have so much on and you are so brave to write about it and pour your heart out! Many congrats for Thomas, he looks like a sweet angel – like you finding hilarious the drunk milk face 😉 Can easily imagine also how your hearts are still broken – some very challenging times indeed but you are doing a great job keeping strong for your 2 lovely babes! Big hug to you all and thanks for taking over the linky – Fiona has done a brill job and no doubt you’ll do the same #countrykids

  8. August 5, 2018 / 10:13 am

    I love that milk drunk picture, just adorable. I can’t imagine the emotions you must all be going through with your beautiful boy’s arrival. Supporting Sophie must be so difficult whilst you’re wrestling with your own emotions. I hope that your first family trip out to visit Jessica went OK and I spotted on Instagram you found a gold postbox for Thomas, so lovely though no doubt also bittersweet x Thanks for sharing with #WotW

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