My husband and I held each other tightly as we sobbed together in the hospital chapel, our world having fallen apart just moments earlier when we had been told that our unborn baby girl was unlikely to be suitable for surgery and would probably only live a few hours at best. In the midst of heartbreak and despair, one thought stood out – “God is bigger than this”. I clung to it, that moment of faith that told me that somehow, even though the road ahead was dark and scary, somehow God would give me the strength to endure what must be endured. Looking around at the teddies lining the walls, I knew that I was not alone, that countless other parents before us had sat in these very seats and cried and prayed desperately for their own children, or grieved for them. We prayed desperately for a miracle that day.
We were blessed with that miracle – the offer of pioneering fetal surgery that came a couple of weeks later and helped give our baby girl the chance to survive. Throughout my pregnancy, there were many, many moments of fearfulness for the future and many tears. Somehow though, I found an inner strength that I never knew existed and with it, came joy. I can honestly say that my pregnancy with Jessica was one of the most joyful times of my whole life, despite the heartache and the fear. We enjoyed every moment of it, made the most of it in case it ended up being all the time we would have with her.
That verse from Philippians helped sustain me many times during my pregnancy and in the days after her birth, keeping us going through her various heart surgeries, the rollercoaster rides in PICU and the days on the cardiac ward. It sustains me still, knowing that there are still difficult times ahead, more surgery and a future that is still uncertain and scary. I still make the most of every moment and live in the now, not knowing what tomorrow will bring but I know that God has blessed us and sustained us so far and He will continue to do so.
Linking in again with Emma at Outmumbered: