Last week, I think the novelty of having my husband and Sophie home during the day helped get me through. This week has been a much bumpier ride. The novelty has worn off and the storms of grief have been raging as we move into April, the month in which Jessica died. The memories from two years ago are becoming increasingly painful and the guilt I still feel over not doing more and not being able to save her is returning. It’s to be expected, I know, and the next few weeks are going to be tough. I just have to ride the storm as best I can, focus on the happy memories when I can, and remind myself that Jessica knew how very loved she was, and if our love alone had been enough to save her, she still would be here. I won’t tell myself we did all we could, because that isn’t quite true – but our decisions were made based on what we knew at the time and that asking ourselves we could have done more or less makes no difference now anyway.
The woodland burial area where Jessica’s forever bed is has now closed to visitors for the foreseeable future. I knew when we last visited Jessica on Mother’s Day that it was likely to be the last opportunity for some time, but to have that particular door closed for now still hurts. I’ve not gone longer than a fortnight between visits since Jessica was laid to rest there and it’s hard not being able to bring her flowers and sit and sing to her. But we can put flowers in her vase at home and sit in the garden next to the little area dedicated to her there. Sophie has been busy painting pebbles this week to go next to the Pretty Jessica roses there. Jessica would have loved them.
Things that have made me smile this week
- Dropping off some special roses for my in-laws for their golden wedding anniversary and spending some time in their garden so they could see their grandchildren, even if it was at a distance.
- Joining in with Sophie’s online ballet class.
- Baking cookies with Sophie.
- Decorating flower lights with Sophie for the den under her bed.
- Thomas giving me a cuddle and saying, “I love you, Mummy.”
- The four of us having a pillow fight in my bedroom.
- Watching the children having fun drawing on the fence with coloured chalk.
- Making a lunar module and recreating the first Moon landing in the tuff tray with Sophie for one of our home learning activities.
I am so sorry to read about your grief, Louise. I am sending prayers and virtual hugs from across the ocean to you. The painted stones in the garden are wonderful – both as an exercise in remembrance for Sophie and a way to brighten up your garden and your day. And what mother doesn’t love to hear the words “I love you, Mummy” from her toddler?
Thank you so much Laurie. The garden has given me a lot of comfort over the last few days – just being outside is very therapeutic and it’s nice to have that special space for Jessica there too.
I’m so sorry that this virus has stopped you from being able to visit Jessica’s forever bed. I know how much it really means to you, and it must be especially hard at this time. I know you will get through it though. The painted stones are beautiful, just like your beautiful little girl. Thomas and Sophie will see you through this and you have your husband at your side. Massive hugs, Jessica will always be in our hearts xx
Thank you Anne, it was hard having that door firmly closed even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to visit anyway. The staff have offered to take a photo of Jessica’s forever bed on the anniversary though which is lovely of them.
Sending you the biggest hug. It must be such a rotten time for you and your family.
Oh gosh. The burial area being closed must be hard even though you expected it. The pebbles Sophie has been painting are adorable.
Aww! It must have been nice to visit your in-laws even if you did have to keep your distance.
It sounds like Sophie has been having a lot of fun and the pillow fight looks like such a giggle.
Thank you Kim, it’s so hard not being able to visit Jessica especially at this time of year even though I know it’s the right thing in this current time. The pillow fight was a lot of fun – Sophie loved it 🙂
A really tough time for you, but at least you have this forum to express all you are feeling and a receptive audience. So good you have the other little two to look after, and to enjoy. The pillow fight looked such fun, I smiled also at the lunar project — was that an astronaut mechanic on the ground looking under the bonnet of the lunar buggy? #WotW
Oh I like the idea of it being an astronaut mechanic. I think he was actually making moon sand angels!
I can only imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment. The little memorial area at home is lovely. The lunar landing is brilliant!
Thank you Karen. It’s a tough time of year.
Thinking what-if is a horrible point. Especially as it loops. Sending you hugs. The temporary closing of the woodland is cruel, but understandable. I love the painted stones around the Jessica rose. It really is a lovely thought. I’m sure the pillow fight helped everyone and I can imagine the laughter. Very impressed by your Moon landing. What a fab idea! #wotw
Thank you – it is such a tough time at the moment. We are getting through as best we can. The team at the woodland burial area have very kindly offered to lay flowers for Jessica and take a photo to send me which is so lovely of them.