The last couple of weeks have been quite a rollercoaster ride on the emotional front. The start of a new year without Jessica has hit me hard. There have been many times over the past week or so that I feel like I am drowning in the stormy sea of grief. Daily life feels like an uphill struggle at times. The memories of this time last year are those from Jessica’s Fontan surgery and her recovery. I remember our relief, our joy at every little milestone and the hope for the future – a future as a family of five, perhaps being able to look ahead a little without the shadow of surgery looming over us.
To be here without Jessica a year on feels so very cruel. My heart aches so much for my big girl. I miss her laugh, her smile, watching her draw, the way she would snuggle up to me. I miss taking her to school, doing her meds each day, her buggy – every little thing about life with Jessica. I want the life we hoped for and I find myself raging at times at the unfairness of having to live the rest of my life without her. I look at Sophie and it seems strange that she is now the big sister, the one leading the way for Thomas, and wrong that there is no longer a big sister leading the way for her.
Some days are harder to get through than others. But we get through them just the same. Taking one step at a time, taking it moment by moment. Carrying Jessica with us in our hearts. Talking about her, sharing memories. She is part of our family and always will be. Here and yet not here. I hear her voice in some of the things Sophie says, see her again as a baby when I look at Thomas. Little moments that bring her closer once more.
Things that have made me smile recently
- Relaxing in the hot tub at our friends’ house on New Year’s Day.
- Sleepy snuggles on the sofa with Thomas.
- Watching red kites swooping down on the lawn at my in-laws’ house.
- Thomas rolling over from his front on to his back for the first time.
- An after-school trip to the park with Sophie.
- Catching up with friends at the weekend.
- Watching Sophie having fun at the trampoline park for her friends’ birthday party.
I cannot even begin to imagine what you go through each day but can totally understand those feelings of anger and rage. You are doing the right thing, just taking each day as it comes, one foot in front of the other and carrying Jessica with you every day.
How long are Thomas’s eye lashes, what a little cutie. Sophie is growing so fast she has the most beautiful smile x #wotw
It sounds like an unbelievably difficult time but I think that it is wonderful that you are allowing yourself to experience all of the emotions, both good and bad. I imagine it is very healthy for you and makes the happy moments that much brighter 🙂 #WotW
OH my how gorgeous is your little boy, I bet he’s one baby no one can resist a cuddle with. Sophie is growing so big too, she must make you feel so proud. I know things are tough when it comes to Jessica, and how hard it is for all of you. She will always be remembered and loved, by her family and her much larger Internet family. Sending huge hugs for you all xx
#wotw
Oh my goodness. Look at the baby chin on Thomas sleeping. Gorgeous. I can imagine that there are so many milestones that remind you of Jessica. It is hard. I’m sure Sophie is doing a wonderful job being a big sister. However bitter sweet it is. Oh, hugs to you all. #wotw
It must have been extra hard for you these past few weeks without Jessica. It is so cruel. There was so much hope. Sending massive hugs. x
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing grief so strongly lately. I sympathize. It’s lovely that you cherish the memory of Jessica and see her reflected in your other children. #WotW
Louise I just can’t imagine how you are getting through this? I so hope it is a comfort to know Jessica is all around you, Thomas is so much like her he is adorable and Sophie seems to idolise him. All you can do is take each day as it comes and hope the pain lessens, sending all my love a strength x
Thomas is a little cutie pie! he’ll be charming everyone he meets 😀 Sophie has a proper cheeky smile bless her. Jessica will always be with you, sending hugs xxx
I can’t even begin to know how you must feel every day. I’m sure Christmas time can only double those feelings. I’m glad you are able to see the positive in everyday and I admire that so much #WotW